Going for Gold

Saturday morning the same wondrous event occurs. Some haven't heard of it. Some try not to notice it. But all the mothers in suburbia know it happens. I call it " The Mommy Olympics."

The mothers load up their kids in their minivans and head out to the local Wal-Mart. The smart moms got their coupons and lists in hand complete with compass knowing all the navigational markings of the store. Someone shouts, "Ladies! Start your engines!" and with all the excitement of a NASCAR race they are on.

The first Olympic event starts. This one is called "finding the best parking space". They pretend not to notice one another. They pretend not to be rude when they cut in front of other moms and nab the closest parking spot to the door. Then the mother shouts "Ha ha! Beat that!" and yells at her kids to run and find a grocery cart. This begins the next event. "Getting your children all together with a clean, non-squeaking grocery cart, and beating all other mothers to the door." They pretend not to notice you are also trying to get through the door and knock you to the side like a side swiped hockey player. Then they smile curtly to apologize. But the other moms know better. They know they are all just part of these "Mommy Olympics" and there are many more events to go.

The next event I call "My child is better then your child". They pretend to be telling you how cute your child is. Don't fall for this distraction! There is precious time being wasted here! Then the subject is rudely changed and they let you know that THEIR child has done so much more then yours and THEIR child is only 10 minutes old, after all!! Amazing. Just keep going. This is just a distraction to get you off track so you won't get your gold at the end of the Mommy Olympics.

Then it's time to conquer the aisles. Which Moms will get her shopping done without someone yelling "potty"? Which Moms will be able to actually fill their cart without their children throwing in another box of cookies? Who will have the patience and fortitude to keep herself together when the stress of whining kids and a two year old that throws everything out that she puts in takes over? And this being Saturday there are lots of free samples to enjoy. Try to keep your kids in tow ladies! Precious time is being wasted while Mary Thompson is buying your buttermilk because your kid just had to try a small sample of the newest pizza! Keep it moving! Keep it moving! Just wipe the sweat off your brows ladies! The tough part is almost over!

You scratch off the last item on your list. You're relieved that no one had to go to the bathroom and your bribes to get them all triple- decker ice cream cones later seem to be working. Then the next event unfolds. "Getting the shortest checkout line and getting to it the quickest!" They pretend not to notice that you also need to get your cart out and you have tired children as well as they do. They just fly to the nearest, quickest, shortest aisle as you are doing the same. Sometimes carts butt like bumper cars as both Mommies try to get in first. Back to the curt smile and apologies. This is serious stuff. This is not just Saturday cartoons here! This is indeed, the "Mommy Olympics!"

"THIS MOMMY IS LOOKING FOR THE GOLD MEDAL!" I shout in the middle of Wal-Mart as my imagination gets carried away.

"That's down aisle 6 with the rest of the flour mamm." a Wal-Mart employee tells me.
"Oh. Thank you. " I say quietly then duck into another check out line.
Next the Mommies all watch one another to see who has bought the most healthy foods, and who has gotten through this stress without a hair out of place. They judge how the other children are acting without noticing that their own children are sticking candy bars in their pockets. All this going on while the cashier asks "How are you today?" and the Mommy smiles back "Doing great? How are you?" while deep inside she's thinking "I don't have time for small talk! This is the Olympics here! Just ring up my items as quick as you can and get us out of here!"

Then the Mommies all head for their vans. The children scream to play in the playroom or ride the electronic horse, but don't you fall for that! You already promised them the triple-decker ice cream! Just GO! Head for your car! Now comes one of the last events! "Who can load their minivan the quickest!" Ignore the pleas to go to the bathroom! You're almost done! Ignore any signs of kids hitting one another and someone kicking someone else's seat! None of that matters now! Your medal is on the line!

So everything is loaded as Johnny has wet his pants and little Billy has a black eye, but still you feel like the best Mommy in town. You finished the last event of this "Mommy Olympics" game. It's "leaving the parking lot and getting home before anyone else". How you know you got home before anyone else is any body's guess, but you can at least lie to yourself and tell yourself you did. So the tired Mommy is home and of course her work is not done. Unloading children, cleaning diapers, unloading groceries , putting ice on Billy's black eye, and getting Johnny clean britches is only a small price to pay.

You now have the VICTORY! You have won this weeks battle of "The Mommy Olympics"!!

"Oh no.""What's the matter Mom?"I forgot to get milk. So the "Mommy Olympics" springtime games begin again