Just a minute

Did you ever notice that when you sit down to finally enjoy doing nothing (ok relaxing with a cold one), that's when your child needs something? Of course, to them, that something is a matter of life and death, even if you come to find out there's only another missing Pokemon card from the 15 million that they own.

If it's not your child thinking they are in desperate need then it's your husband,YOUR MOTHER, your dog or your telephone will ring, or someone will be at your door (Helllloooo). That's called Mommy's Butt Radar. There's something that gets planted in our rears the second the doctor shouts "It's A Baby!" that makes it so we can never sit down and enjoy peace and quiet again.

For instance, I'm sitting down right now to type this piece for you to enjoy. As I'm doing so my child is running around the house doing a host of things he shouldn't be doing. Every once in awhile I hear something get turned off and on and off again, or something gets flung across the room. The Mommy's Radar goes off for these things too. Not always is it when you're called, but when things are too quiet you know enough to get your butt moving. Something is definitely up.

Mommy's Radar gets more sensitive with time. You just hear your wonderful spouse ride up to the house and know that any peace and quiet you thought you would have is now over. Get up! He's gonna need something! And so will your child, the phone, the door and the dog. There's no way around it. My own fault. I sat down. Watching a complete television program is a thing of the past. Thank the Lord for the DVR. One day I'll figure out how to use it and be able to record the programs I missed.

Problem is I have to sit down to read the instructions. For now someone needs help with something, and someone else is touching someone else's stuff so I have to referee. Never fails.
Minute

The saddest times are when I'm trying so desperately to listen to a guest on The "Ellen DeGeneres" talk show, talking about changing my life and how important this next piece of information is. "If you heard nothing else this entire program I want you to catch this next thing I'm about to say", the guest announces!

Of course the next thing is tuned out with "MOM!!" high pitched screams with a bloodied knee that sounds like the real sirens going off, a dog scratching at the door, and the phone ringing. "So much for changing my life!" I mutter."My fault. I thought about sitting down.

"Oh and one of my favorites at bedtime, "I'M TIRED!" Well, duh. Maybe that's why we put you in BED?!?!

So I've decided the only way I'll get a break is to never sit down again. This piece took me about three days to write because I had to sit down to type it, and that's just against the Mommy Law. It's then that the Mommy Butt Radar goes off and every child within a 50 mile radius will need something. Even the one I'm married to, and the furry one with four feet.

So ladies buy yourself some really comfortable shoes and learn to lean against the wall with pillows. Seems to be working for me, so far. But don't give away our secret or another radar will go off. The Mommy's- Head-Hit-The-Pillow Radar , and that's even harder to handle!